Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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