I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
We are all done wearing pants today
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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