Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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