If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
