So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
