Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
