why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
