I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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