I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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