I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
