you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
