I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
