why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
