Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
