can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
