I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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