He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
