Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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