dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
