she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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