Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
