How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
