I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
you had me at cake vodka
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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