god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
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