you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
