After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
