totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
well most of my day revolves around power hour
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
