I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Can you bring me the toilet please
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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