Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
