I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
