I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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