My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
