I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
