and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
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