I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
this will be a night to untag.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
