Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
My bed smells like the plague
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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