My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
