They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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