i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
So vagazzling was a success
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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