Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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