I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
