The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
