I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
tonight lets celebrate not being married
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Randomize
