Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
