So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
