Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
