im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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