sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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