Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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