True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
