I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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