I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
she smelled like a LAN party
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
