I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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