2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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