No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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