Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Randomize
