My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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