You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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