I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
