Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
