she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
