I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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