I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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