Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
