I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
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