i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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