omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
