I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
